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They will follow us

Why we really have to stay in Iraq

The rest of George W. Bush’s speech yesterday consisted of the usual warnings about appeasing Nazis, new totalitarianisms, and so on. He banged on quite insistently about one familiar idea, giving it a new twist:

We will fight the terrorists overseas so we do not have to face them here at home. […]

If we give up the fight in the streets of Baghdad, we will face the terrorists in the streets of our own cities. […]

General John Abizaid, our top commander in the Middle East region, recently put it this way: “If we leave, they will follow us.”

That’s right: the terrorists will follow us home and attack us in the streets of our cities if we leave Iraq. The obvious question is: why aren’t they doing this already? There is only one possible answer:

They don’t know where America is.

Do the math: in a stunning psyops operation, all the world’s maps must have been covertly altered. The continental USA is now labelled “Greenland”. The terrorists can only find America again by actually following the US military when it leaves Iraq. So the US must never leave. Any questions?

  1. 1  arbuthnotite  September 1, 2006, 2:14 pm 

    Will Do You Know the Way to San José become the new terrorist anthem?

  2. 2  Gavin Rees  September 1, 2006, 3:37 pm 

    I am not sure that your answer is exhaustive. Although, it certainly fits. There is at least one other possible explanation.

    Maybe the “terrorists” are just coy. They know where America is, but don’t like to go there by themselves. This a common connundrum for teenage party-goers. I have heard about this party, sounds great. But, will I know anybody there? And then the horrible picture presents itself of standing there alone, ogled by leering strangers, of drinking too much, and then having to leave, full of self hate and convinced that another big chunk of one’s youth has been wasted. However, if some of the local GIs are going to be there, then there would be much less chance of feeling like a gooseberry. Because as we know, these guys really know how to party. In the meantime the obverse would be true: why bother going over there, when one can have such fun in the neighborhood? Sometimes home is best.

  3. 3  Paul Ward  September 1, 2006, 5:04 pm 

    only one possible answer

    I would have to disagree too. In fact there are many possibilities:

    1. there are no terrorists

    2. there are terrorists but they can’t afford the fare

    3. for some time now the terrorists have gone to play ball on the beach on the grounds that the American Government is doing such a good job terrorising the American people that it’s hardly worth the effort travelling over

    To confuse matters further the perpetration by the Bush Administration of the idea that the terrorists are just itching to get their feet on sacred American soil could itself be an act of terrorism if you could show that that was its real intent (that is to scare American folks). Which I guess means that one man’s terrorist is another man’s politician.

    Of course this idea then perfectly conceals the reality that the terrorists’ raison d’etre has only ever been to get the Americans to go back to America in the first place. Of course they might still follow the Americans back to America but not so much as to carry out acts of terrorism as to order a Big Mac and a sideorder of Freedom Fries. And what decent liberty-loving American could object to that?

  4. 4  SP  September 1, 2006, 5:22 pm 

    Gavin, your theory is very engaging, but it leads us to a conundrum. Not all US soldiers are in Iraq; many of them are in America. So if the terrorists want to go to a party, there are already numerous handsome GIs at the destination to reassure them.

    Of course this is also a conundrum for my theory. Troops at the end of their Iraq rotation already go back to America temporarily. So why don’t the terrorists immediately follow them? Why can they only follow them if all of them leave? It’s a mystery.

  5. 5  abb1  September 1, 2006, 7:06 pm 

    But don’t the troops go from Iraq to Germany first? Now, that’s good thinkin’.

  6. 6  Paul Ward  September 1, 2006, 8:11 pm 

    As usual Steven’s reasoning is flawed.
    The last time I looked Greenland was still full of Eskimos and not, as should be expected, terrorists.
    The answer must lie elsewhere.
    Of course the cunning devils could already be in America but not owning up to the fact. This is standard practice I believe.

  7. 7  DanA  September 3, 2006, 10:54 am 

    This reminds me of a Brenmer, Bird & Fortune sketch where they sit in a pub and talk about how sneaky the Iraqis are; because sometimes they can shave off their moustaches, and then of course you can’t spot them in a crowd.

  8. 8  Liberty Rider  February 14, 2007, 5:29 pm 

    First of all, bring back our warriors to our own shores….send Bush and all the tough guys back over to fight their own battle, “and if it must begin, let it begin here”….Lexington, Mass 1775

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