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Foreign objects

Who ate all the pie?

Controversy erupted at the world pie-eating championships when Wigan pies were replaced with bigger pies from nearby Adlington. But the baker of the championship pies, Vince Bowen, made a robust defence of his cuisine:

“I may be from down south but I know what makes a good pie,” he said […] “We only use the best English beef, not foreign objects, and we make sure there’s enough liquid in there to help swallowing.”

It’s a relief to know that Bowen used no foreign objects in his pies — safety pins? pencil stubs? Samurai swords? a sardonic sac? — although this insistence could be interpreted as a subtle slander against fellow pie-makers of the region. Indeed, it seems as though morsels of French or Argentinian beef would have counted as foreign objects in this pie-deology.

Pie-eating champion Barry Rigby, for one, was not complaining:

“It’s a matter of practice, whatever the size of the pie,” he said. “But there’s a lot of thinking involved too. You’ve got to work out how to breathe, for instance. I’m not giving too much away, but the basic rule is bite, swallow, bite, swallow and breathe through your nose.”

To illustrate this mix of skills, I prepared a handy pie chart:


How do you eat your pies, readers?

  1. 1  John Fallhammer  December 16, 2009, 3:56 pm 

    The mention of Adlington reminds one of Frankie Boyle’s remarks about Rebecca Adlington. Though slanderous and distasteful, they do fit nicely with Mr Rigby’s commentary, which illuminates the possibilities for cod freudian analysis of the subject.

    Would the pie represent a penis or a vagina? Whichever, the eater has to demonstrate his mastery by ripping it apart and devouring it.

    Or maybe it represents a womb, which would explain the concern of the piemaker (the father) that its contents be unambiguously identified as free of foreignness (foreign meaning simply the issue of a rival). The eater meanwhile makes the pie a part of himself, thus affirming that he is in fact the child of the person who provides him with food. ect. ect. ect.

  2. 2  democracy_grenade  December 16, 2009, 4:17 pm 

    I think it’s pretty understandable that a baker would be quick to dispel any mendacious rumours about his pies containing steel chairs, dustbin lids, sledgehammers, or anything of that sort.

  3. 3  shadowfirebird  December 16, 2009, 4:42 pm 

    I find the trick is to bite *before* you swallow. Important, that.

    I think chewing usually comes into it somewhere, also.

  4. 4  Hey Zeus  December 16, 2009, 4:57 pm 

    There may or may not be something foreign in Hannah Montana’s pie.

    I don’t know how to do a snazzy link, so here’s the plain old link.

  5. 5  Steven  December 16, 2009, 5:01 pm 

    I think the mother in that story might have been nibbling on the space pies?

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